Relationship Science Roundup - Vol. 10

It's been a while. As a relationship scientist with a full time job in research, it is sometimes hard to keep up with all the great work being published. But with everything going on in the world, it's good to remember to do things you love. So in trying to pick back up the habit of sharing the research I've enjoyed recently, here is a new post on the latest from the science of close relationships, from friendship to romance, to why the five love languages aren't real.

Hope you enjoy the latest in the science of close relationships:

1. Are the Five Love Languages Real? 

If you’ve ever blamed relationship trouble on a “love language mismatch,” you’re not alone. The Five Love Languages—words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts—are wildly popular. Introduced by author and pastor Gary Chapman in 1992, the idea is that each person has a preferred way of giving and receiving love. Millions have taken the online quiz, and the concept has become a go-to framework in pop psychology and (non-scientific) relationship advice.

But as a relationship scientist, I have to break it to you: the love languages are not real. But don’t just take my word for it. 

A new paper in Current Directions in Psychological Science takes a hard look at the evidence behind love languages—and finds it lacking.

The authors challenge three key assumptions:

1. That everyone has a “primary” love language: in reality, most people value all five forms of affection. The popular quiz uses forced-choice options that artificially place people into a primary love language that doesn’t actually map onto what people report as meaningful and important in relationships.

   
   

2. That there are only five love languages: People express and experience love in many more ways, often depending on context. The researchers suggest replacing the “love language” metaphor with one of a “balanced diet”—we need a mix of different relational “nutrients” to feel fulfilled.

   
   

3. That love language compatibility leads to better relationships: the scientific evidence for this idea is pretty clear - matching on love languages doesn’t predict relationship satisfaction.

   
   

In short, the love languages may be a compelling idea—but they don’t hold up under scientific scrutiny.

Research article here.

2)  Do you believe in soulmates or in working things out?

What you believe about how relationships work shapes how they unfold. Some people hold destiny beliefs: the idea that romantic relationships are destined to be or not. Other people hold growth beliefs: the idea that romantic love requires effort and that relationships can grow and get better with time. But which mindset actually helps relationships last? In a new study published in the European Journal of Personality, researchers followed over 900 romantic couples for 2 years to find out. They found that people who held destiny beliefs reported being happier early on in their relationships - but satisfaction dropped more sharply over time. In contrast, people with growth beliefs experienced more stable satisfaction across the years. In other words, believing that love is something you build—not something that just clicks—seems to support longer-term happiness. 

Research article here.

3) Are we putting romantic relationships on too high a pedestal?

Many people agree with statements like: “No one is truly complete without the love of a romantic partner,” or “It is important to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled.” But holding these kinds of beliefs might come with hidden costs—whether you're single or partnered.

In a new set of studies published in the journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers found that the more people endorsed the idea that romantic relationships are essential for life fulfillment, the more they feared being single. And that fear was linked to lower life satisfaction. This was true not just for single individuals, but also for people in relationships.

In other words, placing too much importance on romantic relationships can create pressure on singles to find a partner—and on couples to stay together, even when they’re unhappy. 

Research article here.

4) Among the singles, who is happier, men or women? Though the stereotype is that women are the relationship-obsessed ones, new research using data from almost 6000 singles shows that single women are happier than single men and less interested in starting a relationship. One main reason for this is that women generally have stronger social networks than men, meaning that while men often rely on their romantic partner for emotional support, women have a broader network from which to fulfill this need. Another reason is that women often incur costs while in a romantic relationship, while men tend to benefit. This is largely due to inequalities in relationships - particularly heterosexual relationships - where women often shoulder the larger part of the emotional and household labor. 

Research article here. 

5) Good news for the avoidantly attached among us! Avoidantly attached people - those who are less comfortable with closeness and emotional intimacy - often worry that being in a relationship will threaten their independence and autonomy. This fear can cause avoidantly attached people to distance themselves from potential or current partners. But new research out at the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology actually shows that the fears of the avoidantly attached are probably unfounded: although avoidants think relationships will make them lose their sense of self, this does not actually occur.

Research article here. 

6) Reaching Out to Old Friends: Why We Don't—Even Though We Should

We know that strong relationships are key to happiness—but what happens when friendships fade? While it seems obvious that reconnecting with old friends could bring joy, new research suggests that most people are surprisingly reluctant to do so, even when they want to. 

Across seven studies, researchers explored how people feel about reaching out to friends they’ve lost touch with. The findings? People were just as unwilling to reach out to an old friend as they were to talk to a stranger. Why? After time has passed, even a once-close friend can start to feel like a stranger, and people worry that the friend might not want to hear from them or that it may be awkward. This perception seems to create a psychological barrier that prevents action—even when the person wants to reconnect. Ironically, most people were very responsive to the idea of a friend reaching out to them.

Researchers tried several interventions (like easing common concerns, such as worry as to how it might be perceived by the old friend), but these had little effect. What did work? Practice. In one study, participants who rehearsed reaching out were significantly more likely to actually do it—suggesting that doing the thing can be more powerful than simply thinking differently about it.

This work adds to growing evidence that we routinely undervalue social connection and hesitate to act on interpersonal opportunities that could make us happier. 

So if there's an old friend you’ve been meaning to message… maybe today’s the day to hit send.

Research article here.

That’s it for this instalment! Curious for more? Check out the previous Relationship Science Roundup.